Review by Chris Rennirt
I always hate to see a great actor in a bad movie–a movie so hopeless that it offers no opportunity for the actor to even make the bad movie any better. The Blood Lands is one such lacking attempt at filmmaking and scriptwriting, starring just such a great actor, and one of my favorites as well–Pollyanna McIntosh. Even Macintosh’s excellent performance could not save this one from its abysmal, less-than-mediocre plot–if you can call it a plot; even with the movie’s short running time of 82 minutes, it is far too long–about 82 minutes too long, to be exact. I actually lost track of how often I checked the time and played with my phone before it was over.
Is this house really as idyllic as it looks? What do you think? This is a horror movie!
Pollyanna Macintosh–the great actor trapped in a bad movie–is one whose performances I have enjoyed (and even savored) in her many other films. In my favorite movie with her as a star, The Woman (2011), her performance is outstanding and captivating, although she speaks not a word of a known language. Yes! Just to set the record straight from the start, I will stress the point–the many faults of The Blood Lands are not with Mcintosh. She is, in fact, the singular quality of the movie that compelled me to even finish it. All involved in making the movie might never have known how important her mere appearance in the movie, physically, really is; but I certainly do.
“Oh, no! What a dumb character I am,” thinks Ed.
Rather than a plot, The Blood Lands is more like a of a series of linear events that go nowhere. A couple–Sarah (Pollyanna McIntosh) and Ed (Lee Williams)–buy an old house in the idyllic Scottish countryside to escape the stresses of city life. As the story goes, the previous owner died in the house, “uncomfortably.” The relatively small price for the house is too much for the locals, but a steal for a well-to-do young couple like Sarah and Ed. Everything couldn’t be better (for the entire first day, that is), until a group of strange, unwanted visitors show up the first night. From there, an intriguing beginning, quickly becomes annoying, repetitive and uninteresting.
Ed (Lee Williams) and Sarah (Pollyanna McIntosh) search for noises in the night, in The Blood Lands
What is most annoying about The Blood Lands? With so many choices, where should I start? To begin with, it’s another movie where people do the most insanely stupid things to keep an insanely stupid plot going. The writers should be able to think of enough to keep both main characters smart for at least 82 minutes. But they don’t. This breaks a major rule on the “How to Survive a Horror Movie” list, again and again. Worse, there is no learning curve, not even a slight bend. Without giving too much away, characters hear noises in the house in the night (certainly sounds from people walking in the house, no less). However, someone who should be alarmed keeps blowing it off and blaming it on anything else, getting upset with his truly “better half” for being smartly worried. All I kept asking was “How stupid are you?” and “How soon will you become a deceased victim of whatever is in the house…please?” Yes! I was rooting for the death of a main character, with good reason–profound stupidity, rudeness, spouse abuse, etc.–in the first 20 minutes of the movie! Although Lee Williams does a great job playing Sarah’s husband Ed, the character is hopelessly doomed to stupidity and viewer contempt, thanks to the script.
You guessed it! These pigs are up to no good.
And it gets worse! How many times can you knock the killer out, leave, and have him return to kill you again, before you decide to double tap and make damn sure he’s dead? Yes, I know. It’s a horror trope we too often accept without enough criticism as just part of the genre; but here it’s hard to excuse. Also annoying is the repetitive meandering and wandering around in the woods, in the dark, and yes…continuing to do stupid things.
If only The Blood Lands had delivered more of what this behind-the-scenes photo suggests…
To make things worse yet again, the ending is not at all realistic. While I understand the implied result of it, it does not ring true in the real world. It supposes that people will not do what people are most sure to do in such situations. But, since the main characters are no smarter than the villains, perhaps it will work out after all. Perhaps they will continue to be so stupid, long after the credit role. Otherwise, everything that happened for the 82 minutes spent watching the movie was really for nothing…absolutely. Perhaps the only thing that could save this disaster of a film is for smarter people to make a sequel. Otherwise, please NO!
The Blood Lands originally had a different title, and one that, like the movie, made little to no sense–White Settlers. While Sarah and Ed are white people, so are all of the other people in the movie inhabiting the area. Other than being from the city and upper class (from a socioeconomic perspective), they are not distinct in being “white.” They could be considered “settlers,” in a metaphorical way, but that’s where it ends. Since the title was changed, maybe someone else had the same wisdom, eventually. Too bad, however, that the same wisdom wasn’t used in writing the script.
Rarely do I include comments from other reviews, but, for this one, I couldn’t resist. “Full of tension!” says Pissed Off Geek, “A searingly intense chiller,” says This Is Horror, “Nail-bitingly tense,” says Horrortalk.com, “Fast-paced and suspenseful,” says Fangoria. Hmmm. We must have seen a different movie. The Blood Lands is easily one of the worst films I’ve seen. The only thing to its credit is that it’s only one of the countless worst, rather than the one and only or one of distinction. It has no redeeming qualities and nothing original; it’s all cliché, all borrowed from countless others–an utterly banal exercise in effortless failure. It doesn’t even deliver impressive violence or gore to make it worthwhile as a gratuitous shocker. Somewhere within the idea of the story was potential, but sadly, the writers never found it.
If you must watch The Blood Lands, Pollyanna McIntosh might be the only reason to do so.
I gave The Blood Lands three rockets for only three reasons: Pollyanna McIntosh delivered her usual great performance, the first night in the house was creepy, and I liked the pig masks. But, even with those exceptions, even if you have 82 minutes with nothing to do, my advice is simple: don’t spend them watching The Blood Lands. (If you love Pollyanna McIntosh and feel compelled, watch The Woman again instead; you’ll get more satisfaction seeing her there.) For me, a good result of watching The Blood Lands was the practice it gave me in writing a negative review for a change. Also good was not spending money on it; thank goodness it was free with ads on VUDU. Perhaps now, thanks to my sacrifice, you have 82 minutes of your life and a few dollars never to regret losing. “You’re welcome,” I say, as I expect you’re thinking, “Thank you!” (And don’t let the trailer fool you!)
Rocket Rating – 3
Chris Rennirt (the author of this review) is a movie critic and writer in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as editor in chief at Space Jockey Reviews. He has been a judge at many film festivals, including Macabre Faire Film Festival and Crimson Screen Film Fest, and he attends horror and sci-fi conventions often. Chris’ movie reviews, articles, and interviews are published regularly on Space Jockey Reviews and in Effective Magazine. His mission statement (describing his goals as a movie critic and philosophy for review writing) can be found on the “Mission” page, here at SJR. For more information about Chris Rennirt (including contact details, publicity photos, and more), click here.
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