THE ROCKET METER is the metaphysical method of measuring the fuel in each sample of cosmic cinema docked here on Space Jockey Reviews. Just as all forms of life don’t speak the same language, all life, equally so, doesn’t get the same mileage out of a gallon of rocket fuel. It’s all about how fast you ride the rocket and whether your movie-going mind is in this solar system or the next. However, to fight the forces and bring some order to chaos, here’s my surly system of gauging the payload. It’s a “Rocket Rating” system that ranges from 1 -10, using half-rocket increments, whenever necessary. Rockets are located at the end of each review, along with the rating printed beneath. If you click on the Rocket Meter for each review, you will be teleported to a page that describes each rating. The meaning of each Rocket Rating is also listed below.
0 Rockets — A no-show on the launch pad!
Rocket Rating – 0
.5 Rockets — On launch pad, but suffers total system failure, during countdown.
Rocket Rating – .5
1 Rocket — Never left the launch pad; no fuel.
Rocket Rating – 1
1.5 Rockets — Ignition occured, but no launch.
Rocket Rating – 1.5
2 Rockets — Flight occured, but rocket only entered the atmosphere.
Rocket Rating – 2
2.5 Rockets — Entered the limits of the upper atmosphere; stopped short of entering the stratosphere.
Rocket Rating 2.5
3 Rockets — Only entered the Stratosphere
Rocket Rating – 3
3.5 Rockets — Approached the outer stratosphere; stopped short of entering outer space.
Rocket Rating – 3.5
4 Rockets — Enters outer space.
Rocket Rating – 4
4.5 Rockets — Passes the moon.
Rocket Rating – 4.5
5 Rockets — Cruises the inner planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars), avoiding incineration as it nears the sun!
Rocket Rating – 5
5.5 Rockets — Reaches the Asteroid Belt and dodges close calls with collision.
Rocket Rating – 5.5
6 Rockets — Cruises the outer planets (Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune)!
Rocket Rating – 6
6.5 Rockets — Orbits Pluto (that planetoid once called a planet too) and stops for a visit!
Rocket Rating – 6.5
7 Rockets — Leaves the solar system heading for nearby solar systems!
Rocket Rating – 7
7.5 Rockets — Visits nearby solar systems–Alpha Centauri, Sirius A and B, Wolf 359, etc.
Rocket Rating – 7.5
8 Rockets — Leaves the Milky Way heading for the next neighboring galaxy–Andromeda!
Rocket Rating – 8
8.5 Rockets — Visits the closest neighboring galaxy Andromeda, zipping through a wormhole on a light-speed course for more!
Rocket Rating – 8.5
9 Rockets — Visits all neighboring galaxies, including the Sagittarius Dwarf, Large Magellanic Cloud, Small Magellanic Cloud, Canis Major Dwarf, Ursa Minor Dwarf, Draco Dwarf, Carina Dwarf, Sextans Dwarf, Sculptor Dwarf, Fornax Dwarf, Leo I, Leo II, Ursa Major I Dwarf, and Ursa Major II Dwarf.
Rocket Rating – 9
9.5 Rockets — Visits all galaxies in the Universe! (Sorry, but all of those are not even known or named yet.)
Rocket Rating – 9.5
10 Rockets — Leaves the known universe, passes through a wormhole, permeates the time/space continuum, emerging on a course of perpetual motion through all dimensions of all universes yet unknown to man and alien alike. (In other words, this is an absolutley awesome, out of this world, mind-blowing, beyond-the-limits-of-everything-you-know movie! Go buy it now, as you’ll surely save money during the time you’d otherwise spend paying to rent it again and again! This one should, absolutely, with no exceptions, be in every Space Jockey’s movie collection!
Rocket Rating – 10
ATTENTION! If, about right now, you’re saying, “Calm down with all the astronomical #%@* and just tell me exactly what these little rockets mean to a humble, earthbound, would-be cruiser of the universe like me!” My response is simple: Look at the rocket scores like percentages, and pretend you’re in elementary school again. From there, just apply a good measure of imagination and common sense!
